this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
