There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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