i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
