I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
