Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
