I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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