i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
