i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
