I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am midnight drunk by noon
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Someone signed my nipple.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
