she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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