I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
