All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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