last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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