i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He kissed a someone with a penis
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize