he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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