Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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