I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
