never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
