and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
