mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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