Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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