My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
