Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
