don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
