pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
