you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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