If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
