I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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