Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
