apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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