I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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