The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
