my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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