god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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