PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
