why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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