oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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