Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
