Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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