***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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