I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize