Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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