Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
