I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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