just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
