He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize