Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
