My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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