I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
