That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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