Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
