someone threw a dead crab at me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
pray to the hookup gods
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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