I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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