did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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