Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When are your genitals available?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
