Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
