How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
