Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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