I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
